- Carolyn Stoddard: Are you stoned or something?
Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work.
- Barnabas Collins: Love means never having to say you’re sorry. However, it is with sincere regret that I must now kill all of you.
- Angelique Bouchard: Hello, Barnabas. Remember me?
Barnabas Collins: Witch! You cursed me to be this hideous creature! You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!
- Barnabas Collins: How soon can the horses be ready?
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: We don’t have horses, we have a Chevy.
- Carolyn Stoddard: I guess the only thing missing is Alice Cooper.
Barnabas Collins: Well, she should be our guest, nonetheless! Ugliest woman I’ve ever seen!
- Barnabas Collins: What is your age, if I may?
Carolyn Stoddard: Fifteen.
Barnabas Collins: Fifteen, and no husband? You must put those birthing hips to good use at once, lest your womb shrivel up and die.
Carolyn Stoddard: You’re weird.
- Barnabas Collins: Have you any idea what you put me through?
Angelique Bouchard: Barnabas, get over it.
Barnabas Collins: Locked in a box for two hundred years!
Angelique Bouchard: Don’t exaggerate, it was only a hundred and ninety-six.
- Barnabas Collins: My name is Barnabas Collins. Two centuries ago, I made Collinwood my home… until a jealous witch cursed me, condemning me to the shadows, for all time.
- Barnabas Collins: What sorcery is this?! Reveal yourself, tiny songstress!
- Barnabas Collins: Tell me, future dweller, what is the year?
Willie Loomis: 1972.
Barnabas Collins: 1972? Here me, future dweller, you shall be my loyal servant until such time as I release you.